A handy guide to the transfer window for Social-Media-Super-Fans

Is it transfer window time?

Want to showcase your lack of support for Villa but don't know how to?

Follow these simple steps, and you too can become a Social-Media-Super-Fan and rule the window.

Firstly, and easiest of all, make sure everyone knows that you are not actually a fan.

You can do this very simply, taking very little effort. In fact, none of the effort that is required for a true supporter.

Tip: Ensure you use the most hyperbole possible for the greatest impact.

This is Stage 1: the Tottenham Effect:

• Slag off every current player at Villa. Do this without justification. Leave people in no doubt that every Villa player is rubbish. Be careful to avoid mentioning the contribution any Villa player has ever made to the success of the club.

• Use terms such as "disgrace", "shocking" and "incompetent". Use these as liberally as possible and preferably always do so where there is no justification for the biggest effect. This will ensure your readers will understand that you approach matters in an objective, balanced and informed light. Ensure that you never provide credit where it is due.

• Slag off every member of staff employed by Villa in the recruitment department. For added value, consider chucking in the name of an employee you've heard of, but remember it's important to spell their name incorrectly and offer no context for your assertion of incompetence.

With these three simple steps, you can easlly prove you’re not actually a fan, but there is a drawback.

It's not the lack of loyalty of the sheer hypocrisy of using "UTV" in your bio, it's that unfortunately, most social-media fans have already completed this stage, and so you will just be another social-media-fan in the echo chamber of needy angst.

The second step in your journey is therefore critical to make your step change into Social-Media-Super-Fan territory.

Tip: The key here is to criticise any potential future Villa player just as you denigrated current and past players.

This will take more work than stage one, as you will need to learn the names of some other players. But the effort will be worth it.

This is Stage 2, the Championship Manager Effect:

• Provide a list of "far better players" playing elsewhere. Do not justify this. You must only link Villa to players who you have used in Championship Manager and who cannot age, get injured or lose form.

  
  

• Whilst doing this, slag off every player to actually be linked with Villa, particularly focusing on their club, age and fee. If they are a former player linked with a return then make sure you pillory their former stint at Villa. Do so regardless of their actual achievements.

• Make sure you offer no credit for Villa’s ability to extract more from players than other clubs. This mustn’t be mentioned under any circumstances. If you can, link this back into the incompetence of club management that we worked on in Stage 1.

Tip: Remember, a player you have never heard of, by their very nature, will be rubbish. Like a song you’ve yet to hear can never be good.

Now you’re cooking with gas.

The third stage is to become an expert in things you don’t remotely understand. This is a very simple stage, but the bang for your buck here is huge.

This is Stage 3: the Maguire Effect:

Simply mention one or more of the following as often as possible, regardless of relevance, accuracy or context:

• * SCR

• * Wages

• * PSR

It is crucial that you use this in disproportionage measure to your actual knowledge of what these terms mean and your insight into the financials of Aston Villa. It is highly prefereable that you barely scraped Maths GCSE but have the confidence to pronounce your genius on all this financial.

Tip: It is particularly helpful to quote a number, preferably incorrect, and claim that said number is proof that the club has never been so badly run.

You're well on your way to Social-Media-Super-Fan status now as we embark on Stage Four.

Stage four: The Friday Night Drunk in A&E Effect:

You’ve already proven the recruitment team/manager/scouting network (delete as applicable) is incompetent without any form of justification, so now turn your ire to an area of which you have even less understanding.

• Slag off every member of the training and medical teams for their culpability in injuries. Remember injuries are not unfortunate; they are intentional.

• Pay no heed to the fact that injuries occur in games; this is simply because someone did their job wrong. It is essential to pass stage four that your medical knowledge is limited, as should be your experience of actually playing the fucking game. This should not be made clear throughout your post, in fact quite the opposite.

Tip: For added effect, make wild claims of injury proneness amongst the playing squad. Wherever possible, allude this to a weakness on the player’s and the club’s part.

Stage 5, the Brexit Effect:

Finally, but crucially, always suggest that times were better before, but never, ever fall into the trap of specifying those times and providing justification.

Be confident, it’s just a fact that it was better at some unspecified point. If challenged, double down.

You are now a certified Social-Media-Super-Fan but there is one bonus stage to cement your legend.

Bonus Stage

When a fellow Social-Media-Super-Fan challenges your opinion, remember to resort to childish insults.

Likewise, where another of your Social-Media-Super-Fan brethren posits the same view as you, always ensure that you heartily disagree with it.

Remember, it was your opinion first. It is eseential to have no short, medium or long-term memory on social media.

WARNING: Do not under any circumstances weigh yourself down with concerns around hypocrisy and contradiction.

It’s not as if just anyone can read your historic content to make judgement or question your Social-Media-Super-Fan status..

Remember:

Hate every Villa player

Hate every Villa employee

Hate any potential Villa player

Hate Aston Villa

Then you too will be a Social-Media-Super-Fan. Good luck!